Crap Weather Friends

We all have those friends that are only around when things go well: fair weather friends.  When you’re employed, in a great relationship, have lots of free time, etc, these are the friends who are always down to get up and go out to do something. Of course, as soon as life starts getting difficult, as it is wont to do, they disappear as if by magic. This phenomena has been expounded upon by numerous academics, pundits, and facebook status updates.

However, as I am sitting here in limbo (see also: unemployment), I’ve discovered a new kind of friend: the crap weather friend.  These are friends that only talk to you or interact with you when they need something from you.

I’m not talking about people who simply ask for favors when their lives get crazy-busy.  I’m also not talking about people who are down on their luck and need a little extra help now and again.  I’m referring to people that don’t talk to you unless you have something to offer them.

Over the past few weeks, I have discovered a slew of these friends.  To be fair, they haven’t always acted this way and some of them are extremely busy right now with significant others, work, school, etc. I try to give them as much leeway as I can to account for life getting crazy, but when things become a trend that I can no longer ignore, then I have to relegate them to the crap weather friend category.

For example, one of my friends has begun to treat me with what I almost-jokingly refer to as benign neglect.  I will text message, call, or e-mail them to check in and see how things are going, but never get a response.  However, when I contact them in order to ask how some of their problems are going and whether or not they have been resolved, I get an almost instantaneous response.  Again, I am trying to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that life is getting in the way, but I still have to wonder…

Another case occurred when I tried to call a friend of mine because I was feeling really down about things.  I don’t do well when I’m unemployed and I was getting cabin fever.  When they called me back, they were very distracted because they were getting ready to meet up with other folks for dinner.  While I appreciated that they had bothered to call me back at all, I was disappointed that they could only take 5 inattentive minutes to check in with me and then didn’t call back when they had more free time (and yes, I did call them again later with the same result).

To complete my use of examples today, I’ve been helping a number of folks look for new apartments since I have much more time on my hands then they do.  I will routinely send them e-mails with apartments they are looking for in their price range, near bus lines, with in-unit washer/dryer, etc.  The typical response to this is a “thanks so much!” and then nothing else.  Even though most of these folks asked me to help them out, they don’t contact me at all with things as simple as updates on how their apartment hunt is going unless I inquire first.  I’ve waited until later in the week when I know their schedules tend to wind down a bit to see if they would be able to hang out, grab coffee, whatever, but rarely do these people respond at all.

As a temporary solution, I have been trying to reach out to other friends so that I do not feel the absence of these friends quite as sharply.  Perhaps this is simply another phase of life where another group of us drift apart and go our separate ways.  If so, I better get on top of things and start filling up my calendar!

If you wonder whether or not you might be a crap weather friend to someone, I've devised a list of attributes to check for:

1. Are there certain friends of yours who only become involved in your life when it sucks/gets busy/something big happens?

2. Is there a particular friend that you contact only when life sucks?

3. Are there people that you spend time with when life's got you down, but you don't spend time with when life is going well? 

If you answered "yes" to these questions, maybe it's time to take a good look at your life and decide whether or not that's the kind of person you want to be.

Dude Brahs on a Ferry

For anyone that knows me in real life, mockery of “dude brahs” should be a very familiar subject. For the two new readers that just randomly came across this blog, “dude brahs” are those guys who never really got past their awful idiot frat guy stage.  As in, popped collar with a goofy haircut that requires far too much product, talking loudly on their cell phone, saying things like, “Dude, brah.  I’ll be there in 20.” 

Dude brahs rarely fail to absolutely make my day. Not only are they generally oblivious to how ridiculous they look/act, but they also tend to blunder through life in spectacular fashion.

Last night, I encountered three dude brahs that not only made my evening, but were so spectacular that they inspired me to write a blog post.

First, a picture.

When I first saw these three, I thought, “I wonder where they are going?  Maybe a big event in Seattle?” Then my friend Justin laughed and said, “No, they are totally planning on going into Seattle to get some action.”

Not wanting to judge too quickly (I know, unusual for me since I am a big-time judge-r), I decided to find a seat next to them on the ferry in order to find out if I was right or if Justin was right.

Within minutes of leaving the ferry terminal, it became painfully apparent that not only had Justin’s assessment been correct, but it was dead-on. Phrases like, “I’m going to go awesome myself up,” and “Red Bull and vodka is pretty much the best drink,” were uttered. A game plan was formed: “Tell you what, let’s hang around a bar near the ferry terminal and I’ll call some girls to see what’s up.” Contingency plans were considered: “So, like, do we want to get, like, two rooms or just one and, like, if one of us scores we just let the other guys know?” (I really wish that I were lying about any of this.)

They were in constant contact with their fellow dude brahs around the Sound: “Martens said that he just got approached by a guy who wanted to punch him in the face.” “Yeah, I’d love to see them try,” (insert fist bump here). Finally, a few words of caution were uttered: “Hey, as long as it’s not a Navy girl, you’re fine.”

Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, another night-in-the-towner approached them and gave them some advice.  As a native to the Seattle area with an intimate knowledge of the nightlife scene, she told them what bars and clubs their attire would be best received in.  I believe the words she used were something akin to, “Yeah, that place has, like, plenty of girls (or guys) and dancing and stuff.  They’ll be all like, ‘Oh, you’re wearing some fancy suits!’ and you can be all, ‘Yeah, let’s dance,’ or something.” 

This brief encounter really made me question how we, as a species, have survived as long as we have.  Better yet, I wonder whether or not to believe that humans were able to actually beat out another species for survival.  I mean, how stupid did the Neanderthals have to be in order for early homo sapiens to beat them out in the race for survival?

The Sadness that is Free Online Dating

If you are one of the two or three readers of this blog, you will be familiar with my rants regarding online dating or just dating in general.  Don’t get me wrong; most days I don’t mind being single.  However, I am baffled as to how people meet potential significant others after college. 

After reading about how many relationships these days result from online dating sites, I thought I’d give it a whirl.  As a result, I despair for the future of humanity.  You may think that I am exaggerating, but I’m not.  I've discovered that the guys that I find particularly irritating fall into a few categories:

Inappropriate Age

Now at first I was skeptical, but then I thought that I might as well give this guy a chance and visited his profile.

...Only to discover that he's more than 20 years older than me.  He and my father could have grown up together....Thank you, but NO.

Guys THat cant spell gOoD (or grammer goodly....or punkshu8...)

Racist, Sexist, or Some Other Ist

To be clear, in case you are a new reader, I am half Japanese and half white.

Short and Not-So-Sweet (see also: Boring or Generic)

Kinda Awkward and/or Creepy

A Little Too Persistent

In Conclusion...

I'm done with online dating.  It was intriguing at first, amusing later, and ended up just making me sad in the end.  I feel like online dating is little more at this point than an indictment of education in America.  However, in the interest of full disclosure, I didn't bother using sites that require you to pay to use the site.  I wasn't THAT curious about online dating.  I do have at least three friends that I can think of off the top of my head who are currently dating someone that they met through a dating site like match.com or eHarmony. Maybe the lesson to take away here is that free dating sites are amusing, but less than useful, paid sites yield potentially better matches, and I should get more comfortable with my single status.

I'm an Ally

Today is the day that the Supreme Court of the United States of America decides on whether or not states can ban same sex marriage.  I have been a supporter of equal rights for my entire life and this is something that absolutely needs to happen. 

Normally I try to base my political opinions on economics, well-reasoned logic, and social justice.  I could go on and on about how so-called “gay marriage” or “same sex marriage” needs to be legal from any of these perspectives.  However, today I will tell you more about my personal journey and decision to support equal rights for all.

Sometimes I think that my 18-year-old self was far too wise for my own good.  When I graduated from high school, I made two announcements:

1.  I wanted a decade to myself. If I get married, I’m going to commit to that person forever.  Before that happens, I want a decade where I can be free to do anything I want without concern for how it might affect my partner. This doesn’t mean that I won’t date or consider getting married should the right person come along before then.  It just means that I know that once I make that commitment, it will be the last time that I can be selfish and think only of my own wants and desires.
2.  I didn’t want to get married until it was legal for everyone.  I was more than happy with the idea of a civil union since it is generally available to everyone.  However, I didn’t want to have rights just because of my gender or sexual orientation.  Now that it’s legal for people of all sexual orientations to get married in my state, I think that I may be able to comfortably say that one day I am open to the idea of marriage (unless, of course, SCOTUS decides that homosexual Americans are second class citizens in their decision later today).

I am not gay and have never to my knowledge been discriminated against due to my sexual orientation. However, this issue is something that I have deep and heartfelt feelings for. I am a product of a mixed race marriage.  Less than 50 years ago, people in the United States could not legally marry each other in at least 16 states if they were of different races or ethnicities.  Laws restricting marriage for mixed race couples in another 15 states weren’t repealed until between 1948-1967 when the Supreme Court ruled that anti-miscegenation laws are unconstitutional. 

My father is white and my mother is Japanese.  I’ve talked with people who never realized it was illegal for people of different races to marry at any time in the United States.  After thinking about it, they usually say that, “I guess that makes sense, given when that happened.”  This breaks my heart.  How can we forget the impact this had on people less than 50 years ago?

“Although there is no verse in the Bible that dogmatically says that races should not intermarry, the whole plan of God as He has dealt with the races down through the ages indicates that interracial marriage is not best for man.” (Bob Jones University, 1998...NO, SERIOUSLY! 1998!)

If it weren’t for the Supreme Court decision, I may not ever have come into existence.  In fact, there are a lot of people that wouldn’t be here today, including our President.  Yeah, did you forget that Barack Obama is mixed?  Some other notable individuals that are mixed include…Jason Momoa (Any Game of Thrones fans out there?  Yeah, this is the guy who plays Khal Drogo), Halle Berry (How many awards has this woman won, anyway?), Bill Richardson (Yes, the former Governor of New Mexico and presidential candidate), Lenny Kravitz (If you’ve never heard “Are You Gonna Go My Way,” we probably aren’t friends), and many, many others. 

For those readers that want me to spell out my point, here it is: We look back on the ban of mixed race marriages and generally think that allowing mixed race couples to marry was a good change (although this is not always the prevailing belief in certain areas or regions, it is the majority opinion in America).  Why is it any different for gay couples?  One day I hope that we will look back on this and wonder how it could have ever been (or continue to be) an issue.

For me, this issue is about not only the gay community, but for mixed race couples, and every other marginalized group in America. Whether you are straight, gay, black, white, male, female, or any shape, size, color, and orientation in between, you should care deeply and passionately about this issue and this decision.

In Turner vs. Safley, SCOTUS stated that there are four attributes of marriage common to all Americans. These attributes are:

.     Expression of emotional support and public commitment;

.     Spiritual significance, and for some the exercise of a religious faith;

.     The expectation that for most, the marriage will be consummated; and

.     The receipt of tangible benefits, including government benefits and property rights.

Note that there is nothing in there about sexual orientation or preference, race or ethinicity, or gender.  I hope that SCOTUS keeps this in mind when rendering their decision later today.