Anxiety is No Joke

Panic attacks aren’t funny.  In fact, panic attacks can be downright terrifying.  Seriously, if you’ve never had one, it’s not like those times when you momentarily freak out about losing your phone for about 30 seconds and then find it wedged between your couch cushions.  Panic attacks are Seriously Not Fun.  

Imagine this: suddenly you can’t seem to take a full breath, your heart starts pounding in your ears.  You wonder, “Am I having a heart attack at the age of 25?” Then your eyes start to slightly blur and your brain starts telling you that you are about 2 seconds away from dying.  Now make that feeling last for 5 minutes in real time, but about 2 years inside of your head.  You can’t think, you can’t even effectively communicate to someone near you that anything weird is going on.  Everyone around you continues to function normally, but you just want to run to the bathroom and throw up.  Of course, that’s assuming that you can remember where the bathroom is and how to get there.

That, my friends, is just one variation on a theme.  Not all panic attacks are like that, but that’s how mine feel.  The worst part is that these panic attacks can be triggered by anything.  Seriously, anything.  One day I was going for a quick walk outside of my office to stretch my legs.  I started thinking about how nice the weather was and how spring was just around the corner.  That’s when I saw it: DeathFluff.  You know what I’m talking about.  Every spring that fluffy cotton stuff invades the air, choking the life out of anyone with even the slightest hint at allergies.  As soon as I saw that first speck of DeathFluff, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  I wondered if it was a sudden allergy attack or if something else was happening.  Then I started to lose my balance and had to sit on a conveniently located curb.  Of course, I almost fell over trying to get down to the ground, but I’m sure I only looked like I was mildly intoxicated rather than dealing with a panic attack.  

You see, I had realized that I hadn’t taken the usual amount of antihistamines that morning before work. I had overslept a bit and dashed out of my apartment like a mini whirlwind.  Unfortunately, that meant that the teeniest, tiniest bit of DeathFluff caused me to completely lose it.  Yes, I have allergies.  Bad allergies.  Like, bad enough that I am supposed to carry an inhaler around during most of spring and summer so that when it triggers an asthma attack I can manage it without passing out from oxygen deprivation. However, this tiny bit of DeathFluff was absolutely not enough to trigger an allergy attack and, really, I was in no danger of having a massive allergy attack at that moment.  

Logically, I knew all of this.  Panic attacks, however, do not care about logic.  Panic attacks are like little toddlers lurking in your subconscious. “No, honey.  You can’t play with the stove because it’s hot and it will burn you.” Cue tiny human outrage and about 20 minutes of screaming and kicking while laying in the middle of the kitchen floor.  

Thankfully, I was able to handle it and get back to the office before the end of my lunch break, albeit a little wobbly-kneed and pale.

It bothers me how people that have never dealt with anything like a legitimate panic attack seem to think that they aren’t a “big deal” or that they are as easy to “cure” as just “toughing it out”.  Yes, I have actually heard all of these explanations from people.

Anyhow, my point is that if anyone out there tries to say that panic attacks are “nothing” or that you should be able to just “get over” them has no idea what they are talking about.  Also, if you are dealing with anxiety disorders or depression or any other kind of mental illness, you aren’t alone. Also, if you don’t struggle with any of these conditions, don’t try to act like you know what it’s like unless you have actually done your due diligence and read up on what it’s actually like.   As someone that has struggled with panic and anxiety for much of my life, I find it terribly tragic when people who have never had to deal with these things pass judgement on those of us that are struggling with daily anxiety.

It’s not something one can simply will away.  It’s not something one can just “get over”.  It’s not even a condition where there’s a magic pill that will somehow make things all better.  Many people, myself included, need to go through multiple medications before they find one that actually works for them.  Also, since the medication is helping to balance out individual brain chemistry, it can take 4-6 weeks for someone to actually see any kind of effect on their anxiety or depression.  To put this in perspective, it took me almost a year to find the right combination of medications to bring my anxiety to manageable levels.

Okay, getting off my soap box now.  Just had to throw this out into the internet abyss.  For anyone that has happened across this post, hopefully it has either helped you deal with your own anxiety issues, put some of this into perspective, or at least has caused you to pause and think.

What's in a mascot?

It seems like a significant part of the country is caught up in this thing called “March Madness”. As a sports fan and someone that is far too hopeful that her bracket won't get blown up by one too many upsets, I decided to do my own twist on the sportsball action people obsess about every year: Mascots. You heard me, mascots.

The word mascot has been traced back to a dialectal use in Provence and Gascony in France, where it was used to describe anything which brought luck to a household.

The word was first popularized in 1880, when French composer Edmond Audran wrote a popular comic operetta titled La Mascotte. However, it had been in use in France long before this, as French slang among gamblers, derived from the Occitan word masco, meaning "witch", and also mascoto, meaning "spell" (not to be confused with moscato, which is a type of wine).

But that’s not the fun part of this post. The fun part here is the mascots that we all love to question today. I have compiled a short list of awards for top mascots that I have arbitrarily decided. You’re welcome, internet.

Cutest mascot (tie): University of Cincinnati and UC Irvine
Cincinnati has one of the cutest, albeit weird, mascots I’ve ever seen: the bearcat. Yeah, I know. I didn’t think that it was a real thing either. Irvine, on the other hand, has a highly-identifiable and adorable mascot: the anteater. Peter the Anteater is supposedly 50 years old and minors in Myrmecology. Fun fact: An astronaut took a three inch tall plush toy version of Peter on the space shuttle Endeavor.

Hi! I'm a bearcat!

  

Coolest live mascot award: Louisiana State University
I would like you to get to know Mike, the live Bengal tiger and school mascot. Mike I was originally named “Sheik,” and even years after coming to LSU in 1936 he would roar when his trainer would call the old name. To this day, rumors swirl that Mike II died mid-season during a losing streak and was secretly replaced.

Mike even has his own on-campus habitat!

Coolest fictional mascot award: University of Alabama at Birmingham (the Blazers)
No, they don’t just walk around wearing funny dress jackets. The school mascot is Blaze. Blaze the dragon. It’s a dragon, guys.

Most adorable mascot backstory award: University of Texas (the Aggies)
Their mascot (since an Aggie isn’t easy to visually represent), is Reveille the dog. The first Reveille was a stray dog a few Corps of Cadets members hit with their car and smuggled home in 1931. The next morning at the bugle call, the dog started barking, revealing the newly-acquired (and illegal) pet and earning her the name Reveille. She would eventually be made a five-star Cadet General by the U.S. Army before dying and being given a military funeral.

Best historical basis for a mascot award: Manhattan College

The unique nickname of the Manhattan College athletic teams, the Jaspers, comes from one of the College's most memorable figures, Brother Jasper of Mary, FSC, who served at the College in the late 19th century. Fun fact: the college claims that Brother Jasper started the baseball tradition of the “seventh inning stretch”.

Best literary reference award: Coastal Carolina University
Chaucer the Chanticleer (SHON-ti-clear) is named after the author of The Canterbury Tales. As the university explains, in the “Nun’s Priest Tale,” the Chanticleer is a “proud and fierce rooster who dominates the barnyard.” According to the school website: “With all of his splendor and great looks, Chanticleer is also greatly feared and mightily respected by all.”

This rooster's got swag.

And finally.....

Silliest mascots award (tie): Evergreen State College and UC Santa Cruz
First, let me tell you what a geoduck is. The geoduck is among the world’s largest clams, weighing three pounds on average. It’s so large, it can’t fit into its own shell. Speedy the geoduck is one of just two non-insect invertebrate college mascots. The other is Sammy the UC Santa Cruz Banana Slug.

 

"Mom?"

Golfing on Father's Day

This is a story from my childhood as told to me by my father:

One year for Father's Day my dad wanted to go out and hit a bucket of balls.  He wanted to try to get me interested in the sport, so he brought me along and left my baby brother at home with my mother.  Since it was Father's Day, the place was full and there weren't many spots open, but we managed to find one.  I sat on the nearby bench and watched while my father happily set up his golf ball on the tee.

I'm not sure how much any of you know about golf.  I, frankly, know basically nothing about the game. This is something that hasn't changed since I was very small.

My father squinted down the fairway and set his feet. He looked down his club and took a slow practice swing.  As soon as he finished with his follow-through, he heard me call out from the bench, "You missed it, Dad!" The father next to him snickered.

My father kindly took the next few seconds to explain that before you actually swing at the ball, you practice your swing to make sure you're doing what you want to be doing.  My small self nodded sagely while my father stepped up to the green and took another practice swing.

"Missed it again, Dad!"

This time more than one nearby father attempted to hide their laughter while my father politely explained what was happening once again.  Unfortunately, children don't really know the difference between an "inside" voice and an "outside" voice, nor do they typically understand why it might be unwise to simply blurt out everything they think so that an entire golfing range might hear them.

"Oh! I get it.  Every time you miss the ball it's called a practice swing!"

By now, none of the dads could keep it together any more and they started guffawing so loud that my dad couldn't help but look around and shake his head. Thankfully, he didn't feel the need for any more practice swings, so he stepped right up to the tee and took his swing--only to have the ball go right into the grass about three feet in front of him.

Yup. Sometimes it just doesn't pay to take your daughter to the golfing range.

Softball Shenanigans

Here's another "did that really happen" moment from my life:
In elementary school, I played softball. Sports was one of the only ways that I got social interaction because, frankly, I was the "weird kid" that was always reading books in the corner. However, this is one of my favorite incredibly non-PC moments from my childhood.

I typically started each softball game as the pitcher.  It wasn't that I was particularly GOOD so much as I was the best that they had for the time being.  One of the other girls on the team actually eventually went on to play softball in college.  Anyhow, after I played a few innings on the mound, I would inevitably get moved into the outfield for the rest of the game.  It makes sense: you get to play the more interesting infield for half the game and everyone has to take their turn in the outfield looking for four leafed clovers and making daisy chain necklaces.

One of the issues that I had was that my coach would routinely play me in whatever outfield position happened to be facing the sun.  It was awful. Not only could I not figure out where the ball was if it got hit to me, but I was squinting so hard some days that I started to get wrinkled brows before entering 6th grade.  One day I mentioned this to my coach:

“Coach, why do you always put me in the outfield position facing the sun?  I don’t like it.”

“Well, it’s easier for you to play that position than the other girls.”
“I don’t get it.”
“The other girls need to squint when they face the sun.  You’re already naturally squinting.”

Unbeknownst to my younger self, my father (also the team's assistant coach) had overheard this conversation and was torn between abandoning the two or three girls he was working with to come to my defense or to let me handle things on my own. Fortunately, I made the decision easy for him.

"Oh, okay, coach. That makes sense."

To my 10-year-old self, this argument did make perfect sense.  Growing up, I knew that I looked different from the other people around me. I knew that my Asian mother had squinty eyes and that my white father had big eyes and was as aware of it as I was aware that my father was very tall and my mother was very short (okay, not very short, but when you compare anyone to a 6'4" father, they are always going to seem "very short").

Yup. I actually said that. All I could think about as I sauntered over to my outfield position was, "Ha. I am genetically superior." I swear to God that's what I thought. Sometimes kids are just too smart for their own good. Clearly there were times that I was. You may now commence with the facepalm.

Lessons from my Mother

In honor of Mother's Day, I have decided to make a list of things that my mother has taught me:

1. "Nothing is ever as bad as you think it's going to be (unless you are traveling alone with two crying children, in which case it will be worse. Much, much worse)."

2. "I know that person just made you angry, but they might be trying to get to a family member at the hospital or might be distracted because their cat/dog died. Give them the benefit of the doubt."

3. My mother was not put on this planet to make my life miserable.  Even if I don't understand the reasons behind why she did something, I can trust that she always had my best interests at heart (took me 16 years to learn this one!)

4. Sometimes a strategically placed rude comment to the right audience can totally break the ice.

5. Learning music is really good for the soul, even though you often want to throw your trumpet across the room or run it over with a semi truck.

6. "You will thank me for this later" is annoying to hear, but totally true.

7. There is no problem so big that it cannot be remedied by eating pie.

8. Mom knows everything. EVERYTHING. Don't event think about trying to keep anything secret from her. She. Will. Know.

9. The ability to make fun of yourself is a necessary life skill.

10. "Remember: it could always be worse. At least you don't have cancer." Translation: stop whining and go do something proactive.

11. Life is scary, but you can handle it.

12. There is nothing quite as amazing as a phone call with my mother after I've done something stupid.

13. Mom hugs are the best. (So are dad hugs.)

14. Growing up and becoming more like your parents really isn't as horrible as your high school self thought it would be.

15. No matter how bad you screw up, Mom will have a snarky comment to make and somehow it always helps you feel less terrible.

More Online Dating Shenanigans

I reactivated my online dating profile so that I could rate two of my friends as five stars. Within 48 hours, I had received 35 messages and 99 profile views.  These are some of the highlights:

Today's winner (name has been removed because....I'm not sure why, but I felt like I should):

Dear Arizona

To all of the folks in AZ that support the recently-passed anti-GBLT bill: proponents of this bill say that this defends religious freedom. This bill would allow them to deny access to persons in the GBLT community to businesses if somehow someone else's sexual preference violates the business owners religious beliefs.  I want to know where this discrimination stops.  I worry about this not just because I'm an ally to the GBLT community, but because this has personal ramifications for me if legislation like this becomes the norm.

In my albeit short life, I have encountered people that still believe that it's immoral for people of different races or ethnicities to get married. As a result of a mixed-race marriage, bills like this could one day allow someone to deny me access to businesses simply because of who and what I am. Taking this a step further, what if it is against someone's religious beliefs for a woman to go into a store by herself? Or against someone's beliefs to allow women and men to take classes together?

Let's spin this a different way: If we were to create legislation that required everyone to shave their head because a small segment of the population believes that you need to have a shaved head in order to be morally clean enough to go out in public, these same people that support the anti-GBLT bill would be up in arms, calling for revolution.

While I don't agree with these philosophies or beliefs, I don't think that it should be illegal for someone to have them. However, I do have a problem with someone legislating their beliefs so that people that do not hold the same set of religious values must abide by them. I support people's right to believe in whatever they want to believe, but I think it is wrong for them to force other people to live by their religious rules.

I devoutly hope that one day we as a nation create legislation that expands the rights and freedoms of others rather than denying access to people that are different.  This country has the potential to be so much more than it is, but the narrow-minded beliefs of a small, but powerful, segment of the population is holding us back.  This country would not have the innovative spirit and drive without the incredible variety of people and experiences that are brought to the table.  It is my dream that one day we will embrace this diversity and become an example for the rest of the world to follow rather than regressing and giving in to the few that desire for our society to become nothing more than herd animals, blindly following a few powerful individuals.