Golfing on Father's Day

This is a story from my childhood as told to me by my father:

One year for Father's Day my dad wanted to go out and hit a bucket of balls.  He wanted to try to get me interested in the sport, so he brought me along and left my baby brother at home with my mother.  Since it was Father's Day, the place was full and there weren't many spots open, but we managed to find one.  I sat on the nearby bench and watched while my father happily set up his golf ball on the tee.

I'm not sure how much any of you know about golf.  I, frankly, know basically nothing about the game. This is something that hasn't changed since I was very small.

My father squinted down the fairway and set his feet. He looked down his club and took a slow practice swing.  As soon as he finished with his follow-through, he heard me call out from the bench, "You missed it, Dad!" The father next to him snickered.

My father kindly took the next few seconds to explain that before you actually swing at the ball, you practice your swing to make sure you're doing what you want to be doing.  My small self nodded sagely while my father stepped up to the green and took another practice swing.

"Missed it again, Dad!"

This time more than one nearby father attempted to hide their laughter while my father politely explained what was happening once again.  Unfortunately, children don't really know the difference between an "inside" voice and an "outside" voice, nor do they typically understand why it might be unwise to simply blurt out everything they think so that an entire golfing range might hear them.

"Oh! I get it.  Every time you miss the ball it's called a practice swing!"

By now, none of the dads could keep it together any more and they started guffawing so loud that my dad couldn't help but look around and shake his head. Thankfully, he didn't feel the need for any more practice swings, so he stepped right up to the tee and took his swing--only to have the ball go right into the grass about three feet in front of him.

Yup. Sometimes it just doesn't pay to take your daughter to the golfing range.

Softball Shenanigans

Here's another "did that really happen" moment from my life:
In elementary school, I played softball. Sports was one of the only ways that I got social interaction because, frankly, I was the "weird kid" that was always reading books in the corner. However, this is one of my favorite incredibly non-PC moments from my childhood.

I typically started each softball game as the pitcher.  It wasn't that I was particularly GOOD so much as I was the best that they had for the time being.  One of the other girls on the team actually eventually went on to play softball in college.  Anyhow, after I played a few innings on the mound, I would inevitably get moved into the outfield for the rest of the game.  It makes sense: you get to play the more interesting infield for half the game and everyone has to take their turn in the outfield looking for four leafed clovers and making daisy chain necklaces.

One of the issues that I had was that my coach would routinely play me in whatever outfield position happened to be facing the sun.  It was awful. Not only could I not figure out where the ball was if it got hit to me, but I was squinting so hard some days that I started to get wrinkled brows before entering 6th grade.  One day I mentioned this to my coach:

“Coach, why do you always put me in the outfield position facing the sun?  I don’t like it.”

“Well, it’s easier for you to play that position than the other girls.”
“I don’t get it.”
“The other girls need to squint when they face the sun.  You’re already naturally squinting.”

Unbeknownst to my younger self, my father (also the team's assistant coach) had overheard this conversation and was torn between abandoning the two or three girls he was working with to come to my defense or to let me handle things on my own. Fortunately, I made the decision easy for him.

"Oh, okay, coach. That makes sense."

To my 10-year-old self, this argument did make perfect sense.  Growing up, I knew that I looked different from the other people around me. I knew that my Asian mother had squinty eyes and that my white father had big eyes and was as aware of it as I was aware that my father was very tall and my mother was very short (okay, not very short, but when you compare anyone to a 6'4" father, they are always going to seem "very short").

Yup. I actually said that. All I could think about as I sauntered over to my outfield position was, "Ha. I am genetically superior." I swear to God that's what I thought. Sometimes kids are just too smart for their own good. Clearly there were times that I was. You may now commence with the facepalm.

Lessons from my Mother

In honor of Mother's Day, I have decided to make a list of things that my mother has taught me:

1. "Nothing is ever as bad as you think it's going to be (unless you are traveling alone with two crying children, in which case it will be worse. Much, much worse)."

2. "I know that person just made you angry, but they might be trying to get to a family member at the hospital or might be distracted because their cat/dog died. Give them the benefit of the doubt."

3. My mother was not put on this planet to make my life miserable.  Even if I don't understand the reasons behind why she did something, I can trust that she always had my best interests at heart (took me 16 years to learn this one!)

4. Sometimes a strategically placed rude comment to the right audience can totally break the ice.

5. Learning music is really good for the soul, even though you often want to throw your trumpet across the room or run it over with a semi truck.

6. "You will thank me for this later" is annoying to hear, but totally true.

7. There is no problem so big that it cannot be remedied by eating pie.

8. Mom knows everything. EVERYTHING. Don't event think about trying to keep anything secret from her. She. Will. Know.

9. The ability to make fun of yourself is a necessary life skill.

10. "Remember: it could always be worse. At least you don't have cancer." Translation: stop whining and go do something proactive.

11. Life is scary, but you can handle it.

12. There is nothing quite as amazing as a phone call with my mother after I've done something stupid.

13. Mom hugs are the best. (So are dad hugs.)

14. Growing up and becoming more like your parents really isn't as horrible as your high school self thought it would be.

15. No matter how bad you screw up, Mom will have a snarky comment to make and somehow it always helps you feel less terrible.

More Online Dating Shenanigans

I reactivated my online dating profile so that I could rate two of my friends as five stars. Within 48 hours, I had received 35 messages and 99 profile views.  These are some of the highlights:

Today's winner (name has been removed because....I'm not sure why, but I felt like I should):

Dear Arizona

To all of the folks in AZ that support the recently-passed anti-GBLT bill: proponents of this bill say that this defends religious freedom. This bill would allow them to deny access to persons in the GBLT community to businesses if somehow someone else's sexual preference violates the business owners religious beliefs.  I want to know where this discrimination stops.  I worry about this not just because I'm an ally to the GBLT community, but because this has personal ramifications for me if legislation like this becomes the norm.

In my albeit short life, I have encountered people that still believe that it's immoral for people of different races or ethnicities to get married. As a result of a mixed-race marriage, bills like this could one day allow someone to deny me access to businesses simply because of who and what I am. Taking this a step further, what if it is against someone's religious beliefs for a woman to go into a store by herself? Or against someone's beliefs to allow women and men to take classes together?

Let's spin this a different way: If we were to create legislation that required everyone to shave their head because a small segment of the population believes that you need to have a shaved head in order to be morally clean enough to go out in public, these same people that support the anti-GBLT bill would be up in arms, calling for revolution.

While I don't agree with these philosophies or beliefs, I don't think that it should be illegal for someone to have them. However, I do have a problem with someone legislating their beliefs so that people that do not hold the same set of religious values must abide by them. I support people's right to believe in whatever they want to believe, but I think it is wrong for them to force other people to live by their religious rules.

I devoutly hope that one day we as a nation create legislation that expands the rights and freedoms of others rather than denying access to people that are different.  This country has the potential to be so much more than it is, but the narrow-minded beliefs of a small, but powerful, segment of the population is holding us back.  This country would not have the innovative spirit and drive without the incredible variety of people and experiences that are brought to the table.  It is my dream that one day we will embrace this diversity and become an example for the rest of the world to follow rather than regressing and giving in to the few that desire for our society to become nothing more than herd animals, blindly following a few powerful individuals.

Online Dating Revisited

So I haven't checked my online dating profile for about four months. Today I got a new notification that someone had sent me a message. This seemed odd to me since I had originally thought that I had deactivated my account AND I remembered changing my status to "in a relationship."  Anyhow, apparently this is what I've been missing:

You know you’re hosed when…

I've been slowly gathering these thoughts over the course of a few years and thought it was amusing enough to post somewhere.  All of these things have been inspired by something I or one of my friends has done or experienced. Enjoy!

You know you're in trouble when...

…you hope that chewing mint gum and wearing your lucky socks were enough to tip the balance and get you a passing grade on your final.

…for a two-hour test, you decide to answer all the questions you know first, then go back and do the rest only to realize that you’ve answered all the questions you know the answers to in 15 minutes.

…the only job offer you get in six months of job hunting is an offer to have a special showcase once a week at a strip club.

…you look at your bank statement and realize that, thanks to the insane amount of student loan debt you have, you will probably be able to afford a down payment on a house at around age 50.

…you realize that your younger sibling has a significant other, a job, a good apartment with low rent, and a high school degree while you have no significant other, no job, a mediocre apartment with stupidly high rent, a Bachelor’s degree, and your student loan debt is more than the value of your parents house.

…the bank calls and the person on the other end laughs at you for applying for a credit card.

…the only food in your cupboard is mac and cheese, ramen, and pasta because you can’t afford to buy real food.

…you put “don’t fail out of grad school” at the top of your to-do list.

…going on dates is the only way you can think to meet new people.

…getting married becomes more a question of financial stability than love.

…the only thing your professor writes at the top of your paper is “WTF?”

…you realize that you have applied for nearly two hundred jobs and have only had three interviews.

…the biggest accomplishment of your day is doing a load of laundry.

…you take your computer into the store for repairs and the person helping you says, “I’ve never seen that before.”

…you get excited about getting a call from a fast food restaurant for a 10-hour a week, minimum wage job even though you have a college degree.

…the judge says, “I don’t like you,” in open court.

…the best part of your day is that it’s finally over.

…after ten weeks, you still don’t know what this stinkin’ class was about.

…you are less confident about your job prospects after getting a Master’s degree than when you got your BA.

…your roommates and friends take bets on how long it will be until you get blackmailed into proposing to your significant other.

…you made so little money last year that the state starts sending you notices about services that they strongly suggest you take advantage of (like low-cost phone service).

…the prospect of working in the adult entertainment industry looks more and more appealing with every passing day because none of the jobs you actually want will pay enough to cover your expenses.

…online dating becomes your go-to when you don’t have enough money for dinner.

…tearing apart your room for new or like-new items to give to friends for their birthday is a regular occurrence.

…you offer to be the designated driver when people go out because paying for gas is cheaper than paying for drinks all night.

…working on school assignments at the bar seems like a very good idea.

…guilt and relaxation are closely related activities in your head.

…you have to decide between filling up your car with gas, purchasing groceries, getting your prescription refilled, or paying your utility bill.

…student loan payments cost twice as much as your rent.