Singles Mixers. I'm Bad at Them.

A good friend of mine took me to a singles mixer event last Friday night. Normally mixers of any sort aren't really my thing. I identify strongly as an introvert. My ideal evening is staying in and working on an arts and crafts project, writing, drawing, reading, binging on Netflix, or just spending time with my marvelous cat, Magellan (pictured below).

 

However, this time I figured that I would give it a go. After all, almost everything is worth trying once, right? Plus, it's always better when you go with a friend.

The beginning of the event started off well enough. There seemed to be a good number of people there and a nice mix of genders, preferences, and ages. I've done speed dating before (again, almost everything is worth trying once) and it was fairly exhausting. I'd compare it to a round-robin of job interviews, but for dating purposes. This was, thankfully, different.

At first there was a little bit of mingling and then we were asked to break up into small groups. The person orchestrating the event had a number of prompts that they picked from and had each group share their answers with one another. After you answered the first question and talked with your group mates, we were told to mix it up and find a new group. Topics ranged from "what's one thing that someone should know about you before hanging out?" (my favorite answer came from a guy who said, "if I could be anything, I'd want to be a connoisseur of french fries. You want to know anything about any french fries anywhere in town, I'm your man.") to "tell someone about one of your favorite people" (I talked about my brother because he's smart and talented and rad).

Unfortunately, I discovered that I'm not very good at following mixer instructions.

Question: "What's your favorite feeling?"

My group stared awkwardly at each other for a few breaths and so I just jumped in with, "I like feeling full. Not to the point where you're stuffed and one more bite may rupture something, but, you know, just perfectly full."

Cue group looking at me like I'm a lunatic before the next person said, "I like when I'm extremely happy about something, like when I find a perfect gift for someone for their birthday." The following person jumped in with, "I like that feeling of joy when you've done something good for someone without expecting anything in return."

It was at this point where I realized that perhaps we were supposed to talk about EMOTIONS feelings, not physical sensations. My bad.

I swore I would do better the next time.

Question: "If you were a season, what season would you be?"

This one got me pretty excited. Once more, my group wasn't saying anything, but I knew better than to go first. I'd already made that mistake. Finally, someone pointed at me and said, "How about you go first?"

Here goes nothing, I thought as I proudly said, "I'd be soccer season." I glanced around at a circle of blank faces. "Uh," I stammered, "but I would definitely be EPL season because Liverpool is my favorite team and I love playing soccer." More blank expressions.

I finished weakly with, "EPL? English Premier League? Anyone? No? Just me? Okay, someone else please go."

Everyone else in the group agreed that they would be fall/autumn because of the smell of fresh rain and the feeling of great unbridled potential when fall came around. I wanted to slink away in embarrassment.

I tried to play it safe with my answers for the rest of the evening and I think I did a decent job. There were no other incidents that made me want to crawl underneath something and hide. At least not for a little while.

The end of the evening was approaching and we were told to get a piece of paper out.  We were going to do a stream of consciousness exercise. For those of you that aren't familiar with this concept, when you write stream of consciousness, you kinda write whatever pops into your mind. To start us off, we were told that our first words would be "here's what I love..."

After three minutes of writing we were told to underline three of our favorite sentences because we would be reading them out loud to the whole group from the stage at the front of the room. I chuckled, fully expecting to hear some hilarious material. I was wrong. Pretty much everyone said something like, "I love going on adventures and experiencing new things. I want to cook new and exciting dishes and to fully embrace life." I dunno. It was all very grownup-ish and responsible.

This is what I wrote (I underlined the three sentences that I read on stage):

Here's what I love...about circles: They are round. Like, super duper round. The roundest. The most roundful. Is 'roundful' a word? You won't find anything more round-like than a circle. Also, hula hoops are circles and you haven't known true joy until you've seen a soccer dad try to keep up with his eight or nine year old child in a viral hula hoop video. You know what else you find in viral videos? Cats. Lots of them. Cats make up about 93% of the internet and they love it. You know what else cats love? Circles. There are lots of viral videos about cats sitting in circles drawn on the floor. Look it up. Cats like circles almost as much as boxes. I don't think cats like anything more than a box. Maybe using their little murder mitts (otherwise known as stabby/pokey toe beans) to try to chase and kill the little red dot.

I'm pretty sure there were a few chuckles throughout the room, but I felt more than a little ridiculous for not having put something more mature or something like everyone else had. Of course, this may also go a long way towards explaining why I'm still single. So there you have it. My very own spectacular singles mixer Hindenburg. Not sure if there will be a next time, but at least I have another funny story that I can blog about.

Have some more pictures of Magellan because she's a great cat. Not great at hiding, but a great cat.

 

Worst Date Ever

I've been told by many people that my dating standards are too high. I've also been told that I need to be more willing to put myself out there and give people a chance. I'm over it.

It started harmlessly enough. I don't "swipe right" on people very often, but figured that I might as well give this guy a chance. He seemed fit, had a job, and attended Yale (I would have preferred that he had a public education, but I wasn't going to split hairs over it). He was smiling in his profile pictures, showed a variety of activities, and they weren't all selfies. I asked multiple people, including my roommate who I trust intrinsically with these things, and they all said that there were no red flags when they looked at the profile. One coworker even said that she thought he was very cute and she was excited to hear how things went.

We decided to meet up on Friday after work. The guy first suggested that we meet up at 5:30. I explained that I don't generally get home until 5:30 because I bus to work (that's a lie: I usually don't leave work until 6 or 6:30, sometimes later because my job should really be done by 1.5 people, but I didn't want to come across as a workaholic). 

At this point I was a little annoyed. I had already told him that I bus to work. This whole message seemed off and, frankly, a little annoying. If I wanted to come straight from work, I would. Also, there wasn't anything in his profile that made me want to come running to his arms. In fact, if I had been asked to rate his profile, I'd say he was middle-of-the-pack.

But maybe this was just a case of me reading too much into a simple text message. He could have been trying to be helpful rather than annoying, right? Perhaps he was simply trying to clumsily express enthusiasm for our impending date. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Eventually I proposed meeting up at 7:30. 

I looked at this guys profile again. He's from India, so maybe this weird vibe I was getting was just a language barrier issue. It's difficult to get your meaning across if you're speaking a second or third language. Plus, people have told me to be less judge-y. I turned off the warning alarms in my head and told myself that I should give him a chance. After all, once I saw him face-to-face things could be completely different. Some people just suck at communicating via text/email. 

By some miracle, I arrived early. Like, SUPER early. This is not a thing that I generally do. Note the time stamp:

My thought process: He's probably on his way here. Maybe he's driving and didn't really read my text. Don't judge him too harshly. First dates are always a little bit awkward.

Eventually we connected and ordered drinks. We each paid for our own beverages, which is something that I don't really take issue with. I feel like it's common enough for people to need to go on a lot of first dates with people and I don't think that it should be assumed that one party or the other should automatically pay. However, after this guy started talking I had to admit that I really wish that he had paid for my drink. With the garbage coming out of his mouth, I should have been compensated in SOME way.

We both mentioned different athletic activities and how drinking would be less advisable for some activities than others. Rock climbing? Yeah, probably not a great idea to pre-game. Horseback riding? Depends on the type of riding I suppose. 

Date: I worked with horses before. There were a lot of people that would take a shot before getting on a horse.
Me: That seems like it could be a very Bad Idea, depending on what kind of riding you were doing.
Date: Well, most of the people where I worked were doing dressage.
Me: [blank stare] I have no idea what that is.
Date: Really? Oh, just you wait. I'll have to educate you on it at some point.

I really should have just run away at this point, but of course I didn't. I just kept telling myself not to judge him too harshly and to keep an open mind. After all, he was probably surrounded by richie riches at Yale who did ridiculously expensive activities like horseback riding on the weekends or whatever, right?

We sat. Things. Got. Worse.

I'll sum up some of the topics covered:

On taxes:

Date: Any logical, rational person would be against paying taxes. No one wants to pay taxes. Do you like paying taxes?
Me: Uh, yes. I don't like being surrounded by idiots, so I enjoy paying taxes to support public education. And I don't want my house to burn down, so I like paying firemen. And I want someone to respond when I call 9-1-1, so I want to pay for cops to help me if I'm assaulted somewhere.
Date: Well you're an exception. And your taxes go to a lot of other things. Like, I don't have kids. Why should I pay for someone else's kids to go to school? I worked really hard and put myself through Yale. Anyone can do that if they work hard enough.
Me: So you aren't surrounded by stupid people? So you have an educated workforce from which to hire people?
Date: Anyone can get an education if they are willing to work for it. I worked my ass off and got myself into Yale.

On systematic oppression:

Date: If you are truly driven to succeed, you will be able to do it. It doesn't matter what obstacles you face. If I have learned one thing it's that anyone can succeed if they work hard enough at it.
Me: Yeah, no. That kind of 'pull yourself up by your own bootstraps' argument isn't reality.
Date: I did it. My mom worked for 80 cents a day in India. I worked incredibly hard and got into Yale. I took out $175k in student loans and paid it back with 9% interest because I was driven to succeed. Anyone can do it.
Me: But you are one out of thousands of people that are trying to succeed. You can't believe that it's solely a matter of effort. There are thousands of people just like you that are doing everything that they can to be successful and they haven't had the same luck you have.
Date: Did you know there's only a 7% acceptance rate at Yale? Of course not everyone can get in, but if you work hard enough you will be successful. I did.
Me: You seem to be missing the point I'm trying to make. I don't doubt that you worked incredibly hard and against very long odds to get to where you are. However, you can't think that there aren't people out there willing to work just as hard as you do, but things just don't work out for them.
Date: No, if you work hard enough anything is possible. If I can do it, anyone can do it.

On the foster system:

Me: But what about the people who aren't set up to succeed early on? Take, for example, kids in the foster system. They didn't choose to be in a situation where their biological parents were unable to care for them. They are at such a distinct disadvantage and the state doesn't have the resources to take care of their needs in order to allow them to be successful.
Date: Look, why should it be my responsibility to take care of someone else's kids? There are people out there who are having five or six kids and then letting the state take care of them. Those people should be put in jail.
Me: In jail. You're joking.
Date: No, they should. Stupid people should not be allowed to have kids. Why should I have to pay to take care of their kids when they are too lazy to do it?
Me: They aren't too lazy. Also, you aren't paying to raise their kids. Do you realize just how under-funded the foster care system is? These often severely traumatized kids need so many resources just to bring them to a place where they are on par with their peers. Your solution to this is to sterilize the parents? What does that do? And how does that help the kids who are already in the system?
Date: I grew up eating rice and salt for two meals a day and I worked hard and put myself through Yale. The government takes care of kids in the foster system. I didn't have that. My mom made 80 cents a day. Now me and my brothers send money back to help take care of her. They [foster kids] can go to school and the state takes care of them. If they work hard enough, they can be successful.
Me: No, we really don't. Washington State doesn't have an income tax and you were just telling me how no reasonable person would want to pay taxes.

On drug addiction:

Date: Why should I pay more money for someone else's bad choices?
Me: You think that drug addiction is a choice?
Date: Yes.
Me: Wow. That is the most impressive display of complete ignorance that I've seen in a long time. You have absolutely zero understanding of any of the root causes or continuing issues surrounding the problem of addiction.
Date: Hey, I've had friends addicted to things. I've done a lot of reading on it.
Me: But clearly learned nothing from any of the reading you've allegedly done. Good job, analytics boy. [Note: he works in data analytics for a major telecom company]

On employment:

Date: You know, I was unemployed for a full year and the only thing that kept me going was my savings. I had $400,000 saved up and just used the interest from my savings to pay for what I needed.
Me: Well, you're very lucky that you had that option.
Date: I worked really hard for it.
Me: I'm sure you did, but you are also very lucky that you are in a position where that's possible. Most people I know just have to look for whatever job they can find to make ends meet, me included.
Date: Hey, all else equal, if you and I were to go for a job, you would get it.
Me: What? Why?
Date: You're a woman. I've seen it happen. If there are two people that are up for a position it goes to the minority every time.
Me: OMG. I honestly don't even know where to start on this.

At one point, my date asked me, "So what do you think? How are you feeling about how things are going?"

My response: "You're an asshole."

[slight pause] "I guess I can see why you might think that, from your perspective."

I've literally known white supremacists with more compassion and empathy than this guy showed during our date. It was a complete disaster. I lost count of how many times he mentioned that he attended Yale. Did you know that Yale only accepts 7% of applicants? I didn't catch that tidbit the first six times he mentioned it, but I got it on the seventh.

My one regret: I should have actually asked him "Are you a sociopath?" If he said "no," I would have said, "That's exactly what a sociopath would say." If he said "yes," I would have said, "Well at least you're honest. I can respect that."

To add further insult here, he literally told me that he thinks that I have "the right kind of mind" to be able to converse about these sophisticated topics, but that I need the right training. Basically, "You're almost there, but not quite." I don't think that I've ever met someone more arrogant, condescending, and laughably naive in my life.

No more dates for me. Ever. Never ever ever.

The cherry on top:

Kill me please.

Update (two days later): He's still texting me.