Online Dating Manual

I'm sure that this is not a new idea, but I feel compelled to write once more about online dating. I have decided to provide all three-ish of you, my readers, with my own personal guidelines for online dating (complete with screenshots!).

The Profile Picture
Let's start with the profile picture.  Note that the following example profile has a bunch of muscle-y flex-y pictures.  Also, no smiling.

Depending on what kind of woman this guy is looking for, this may or may not actually be a decent profile.  If he is looking for someone to be his arm candy, this will surely get him that. If, however, he is looking for someone a little bit more serious or insightful, this kind of superficial profile is unlikely to snag that special someone.

Regardless of the goal of this profile, the caption on this image is really, really, really stupid:

Yeah, that says "Hawtness."  Like, gag me with a spoon!

Also, is this a variation of the male duck face?

Awkwardly Creepy Statements

These seem to be some of the more common messages that I get.  It's one thing to stand out from the crowd, but it's another thing to stand out for being super creepy. Creepy = bad.  

1) I don't know what it is about people commenting on my butt.
2) That last one from NY? The heck?


Bad Pickup Lines
Bad pickup lines rarely work in person. Why on earth do people seem to think that they will work any better online?

Odd, but Not Creepy or Awkward

This category is really where I would place the bulk of messages that I get. It's verging on standing out, but not in a good or bad way.  It's just enough to make me pause for a second.  On one hand, that could be a good thing: getting someone to read your message and pause to think puts you that much further ahead of the idiots that I've highlighted previously.  On the other hand, you also probably won't get many responses from messages like these:

Special Snowflakes
Many of the highlights I have provided in this post are not horrifying.  In fact, I know many women who would have no problem with responding to some of these messages.  However, there are some things that I find incredibly irritating.  The top of the list is when someone uses a thinly-veiled insult that they try to disguise as not-an-insult. Just because someone doesn't respond, that doesn't mean that you can then tell them that they suck.

I couldn't help it. This message came at the end of a particularly trying day and I wanted to vent my spleen.

What the Heck?
I'm not really sure what category to put this last one into, so here it is:

But...Why?
I think that what it boils down to is that the online dating experience is very different for men than for women.  For example, this is what I found on my OKCupid profile after not checking it for just over a week:

This is what one of my guy friends saw on their profile after about a month:

I've been told by more than one person that this pretty much reflects male/female interactions at the bar scene.  Apparently I am too oblivious to notice such things because I never go to bars with the intent to meet someone.  Anyhow, there are no deep insights coming from me regarding this trend.  I still don't know what the "best" ways are to meet people.  Seems (and feels) like a total crapshoot.  

So as to end this post on a high note rather than the somewhat depressing one, here are some highlights from my favorite profiles I've encountered...

The Guy That Tries Too Hard

The Selfie and Weird Message Guy

Guy That Knows What He Wants

Magical Unicorn Guy

Response to "FYI (if you're a teenage girl)"

This has been making the rounds on facebook lately and I've decided to throw in my two cents.

I have very mixed feelings. On one hand, I think that it's great that she's addressing this issue with her sons. Not only do I fully support her in this endeavor, but I wish more people would have these discussions with their sons. I also hate it when I see young women taking super sexualized selfies and putting them on the internet. Not only is it ultimately detrimental to them, but it's detrimental to women in general because it dehumanizes and objectifies them. 


However, I can say from personal experience that blaming teenage girls and saying that it's their fault that guys "can't unsee" those pictures is flawed. I am extremely conscientious of what pictures of me are taken and which ones are put online. No nudity, no sexually explicit, and no trashy pictures (unless it's a picture of me going to a party as a garbage dump). Despite this and my own everyday apparel that usually consists of a goofy/nerdy t-shirt and jeans that may or may not actually fit properly (let's face it, they never REALLY fit anyone, especially those of us with non-normal proportions) with a pair of tennis shoes, I have still been the victim of the abhorrent behavior and attention from men that this woman is hinting at. 

I know women that have been verbally and physically attacked by men who were making assumptions about their relationship with said woman. I myself have been the target of a few situations wherein a guy gifted me with incredibly undesirable attention and then got very angry when I politely told him that I wasn't interested and that I did not appreciate the attention he was giving me.  I have been in situations where I have been told that I'm a cunt, whore, bitch, or some other terrible name, simply because I do not respond when a guy tells me that I'm a "sexy little thing" when I'm out with my friends or when a guy tries to hit on me at a bar by saying something like, "You are smokin' hot. Can I buy you a drink and then maybe we head out to a place that's less crowded"(True story).   This kind of behavior is wrong and it shouldn't matter if I was sitting there stark naked or dressed more conservatively than a nun.

It doesn't matter if a women dresses in a ski outfit or a bikini, men who are going to treat them as objects or otherwise less than human will do so regardless. It shouldn't be up to the women to anticipate how men will react to them in order to prevent men from giving them unwanted attention. I shouldn't have to forego wearing my favorite pair of heels that make me feel tall and confident just because a guy might react to it.  I shouldn't need to cover up my body just because a guy might think impure thoughts about me.  That's the original justification for women in the middle east wearing full burqa and I don't want to reach the point in our society where I will be expected to compensate for a man's prurient thoughts, something that I have no control over.

I will admit, freely and openly, that I have caved to temptation and I have seen pictures of guys where all I can think of is, "Ooo. Yes, please, I'll order two." I'm fairly certain most people are guilty of this.  The important thing here, though, is that I don't let it go any further than that.  I think that a person is attractive, I admire, then I move on.  This doesn't mean that I in any way expect the guys I meet or go on dates with to look like the guys in the magazines (actually, I would probably be very intimidated if they did look that good). I know that the people on magazines are probably photoshopped to within an inch of their life.  I also know that any of my friends who start posting sexual selfies of themselves on facebook are either in need of slaying (as they have obviously been replaced by an alien pod person) or in need of some kind of help (possibly professional help if their self esteem has reached that low).

If you really want to change this trend and if you really want to see change, let's look at the whole picture: 

Women, please have some self respect. Don't fall prey to the trend of sexualizing yourself for the sake of attention from people. Beauty is about so much more than sex. 

Men, stop thinking of women as objects rather than as people. Sure, it's difficult not to look when you can almost see down some woman's shirt, but that's part of the challenge of being human. You either make the conscious choice to take the high road and resist temptation (I feel like that's a pretty solid theme in the Bible for any of you who are Christian and reading this) or you give in to temptation and continue the cycle of rewarding bad behavior. 

Parents, talk to your kids about these issues. It's very difficult to resist following this trend, especially when "everyone is doing it." Heck, you've been there (even if your kids think that you are too old or out of touch to remember). I'm STILL there and I like to think of myself as a fairly confident and capable independent woman. My parents told me repeatedly that even though it would have been easy to do what everyone else was doing, I wouldn't be happy with it later. I can happily say that I have no regrets about ever ignoring "what everyone else is doing" and taking my own path, but that I have had regrets regarding my behavior when I followed the crowd.