Online Dating Manual

I'm sure that this is not a new idea, but I feel compelled to write once more about online dating. I have decided to provide all three-ish of you, my readers, with my own personal guidelines for online dating (complete with screenshots!).

The Profile Picture
Let's start with the profile picture.  Note that the following example profile has a bunch of muscle-y flex-y pictures.  Also, no smiling.

Depending on what kind of woman this guy is looking for, this may or may not actually be a decent profile.  If he is looking for someone to be his arm candy, this will surely get him that. If, however, he is looking for someone a little bit more serious or insightful, this kind of superficial profile is unlikely to snag that special someone.

Regardless of the goal of this profile, the caption on this image is really, really, really stupid:

Yeah, that says "Hawtness."  Like, gag me with a spoon!

Also, is this a variation of the male duck face?

Awkwardly Creepy Statements

These seem to be some of the more common messages that I get.  It's one thing to stand out from the crowd, but it's another thing to stand out for being super creepy. Creepy = bad.  

1) I don't know what it is about people commenting on my butt.
2) That last one from NY? The heck?


Bad Pickup Lines
Bad pickup lines rarely work in person. Why on earth do people seem to think that they will work any better online?

Odd, but Not Creepy or Awkward

This category is really where I would place the bulk of messages that I get. It's verging on standing out, but not in a good or bad way.  It's just enough to make me pause for a second.  On one hand, that could be a good thing: getting someone to read your message and pause to think puts you that much further ahead of the idiots that I've highlighted previously.  On the other hand, you also probably won't get many responses from messages like these:

Special Snowflakes
Many of the highlights I have provided in this post are not horrifying.  In fact, I know many women who would have no problem with responding to some of these messages.  However, there are some things that I find incredibly irritating.  The top of the list is when someone uses a thinly-veiled insult that they try to disguise as not-an-insult. Just because someone doesn't respond, that doesn't mean that you can then tell them that they suck.

I couldn't help it. This message came at the end of a particularly trying day and I wanted to vent my spleen.

What the Heck?
I'm not really sure what category to put this last one into, so here it is:

But...Why?
I think that what it boils down to is that the online dating experience is very different for men than for women.  For example, this is what I found on my OKCupid profile after not checking it for just over a week:

This is what one of my guy friends saw on their profile after about a month:

I've been told by more than one person that this pretty much reflects male/female interactions at the bar scene.  Apparently I am too oblivious to notice such things because I never go to bars with the intent to meet someone.  Anyhow, there are no deep insights coming from me regarding this trend.  I still don't know what the "best" ways are to meet people.  Seems (and feels) like a total crapshoot.  

So as to end this post on a high note rather than the somewhat depressing one, here are some highlights from my favorite profiles I've encountered...

The Guy That Tries Too Hard

The Selfie and Weird Message Guy

Guy That Knows What He Wants

Magical Unicorn Guy