Fitting In

I had an interesting conversation with a friend the other day. We have opposing views on the show The Big Bang Theory.  She feels that the show pokes fun at geek culture from a position of power and privilege: the people who have always picked on the geeks of the world are continuing to pick on the geeks of the world.  I feel like it’s a sadly accurate portrayal of some aspects of geek culture: the characters are stereotypes (duh), but they are stereotypes for a reason (i.e. those guys exist within geek culture).

I believe that part of this difference in opinion comes from how both of us fit into and identify with geek culture.  We were both socially awkward growing up, and, truthfully, we are both still pretty awkward, but we’ve learned how to live with this affliction.  She works in community development and outreach for a tech company.  She also has an incredibly impressive creative streak that she puts to good use as an author, former HR person for a geek/nerd convention, and online video personality. She, at least compared to me, is a social media guru and has connections all over the geek/nerd community through her work and through personal networking. In fact, I’d guess that most, if not all, of her friends are somehow connected to geek or nerd culture in our area. From my personal perspective, she has managed to fit into the culture and I frequently hear from people in the community regarding her awesomeness. 

I am not like her when it comes to geek and nerd culture. I’m only marginally creative (and that isn’t a bad thing for someone who has little or no artistic ambitions) and my career goals are closely related to social policy, politics, and social justice.  While this ambition and geek culture is by no means mutually exclusive, sometimes they have strongly divergent tendencies.  For example, my focus on minorities and economic equity often means that I focus on issues that many of the often well-off software developers and engineers involved in geek and nerd culture has no interest in or have little empathy for.  This isn’t to say that they are bad people.  They are probably perfectly fine individuals, they just don’t have the same set of values that I do.  Unfortunately, that means that many of my perspectives and opinions are either about issues that these folks can’t relate to or concern to issues that they don’t care about.

So what does any of this have to do with the title of this post: Fitting In?  I mentioned to my friend that I like The Big Bang Theory because I feel like it’s, in many ways, an accurate portrayal of geek culture.  Of course, it’s also a very inaccurate portrayal in other respects, but the writers don’t claim that the show is the be-all end-all of geek culture (at least not that I’ve heard).  In her opinion, the writers are focusing on negative stereotypes about geeks and nerds: social awkwardness, inability to understand nonverbal communications or pick up on basic social cues, lack of physical fitness or attractiveness, childlike obsessions, and some twisted feeling of superiority to “normal” (which is really just a nice way of saying “stupid”) people.  I agree that these traits are certainly not exclusive to geeks or nerds.  I also agree that many nerds or geeks are completely different than the stereotypes in the show and would be just as annoyed with the behavior of the characters as anyone else.

My admittedly limited experience with self-proclaimed geeks and nerds has left me feeling like an outsider within the geek/nerd community. My favorite episode of BBT is the one where Penny introduces the guys to her latest boyfriend, Zack.  He isn’t particularly intelligent, but he is fairly genuine and seems to make an honest effort to get to know the guys.  During one of the initial interactions between Zack and the rest of the guys, the geeks make fun of Zack’s lack of scientific knowledge and eventually make fun of him to the point where he leaves the room.  Penny then points out that, “for guys who always got picked on growing up, you sure can be a bunch of bullies. Shame on all of you.” Call me crazy, but this line sums up geek culture to me.

I have literally been told that I shouldn’t be somewhere or participate in a particular discussion because I wasn’t enough of a geek or nerd.  A recent example was using a football analogy (American Football, not European Football) when explaining part of a Star Trek episode to a small group of people. Not thinking of the audience I was with, two of the guys looked at me with the blank, uncomprehending stares of people who have absolutely no reference point to draw a comparison to what I was talking about. I attempted to clarify my point by making a political analogy, but they also had no idea who and what I was talking about.  Frustrated, they ended up telling me that I shouldn’t even bother talking about Star Trek with people because I obviously wasn’t a real fan.  Apparently sports, politics, and science fiction are mutually exclusive topics.

If you’ve read some of my previous posts, you’ll know that I was frequently singled out or picked on growing up.  I developed a rather vicious strain of sarcasm and a mildly toxic distrust of others as emotional armor to combat my isolation and loneliness.  As I’ve grown up, I have attempted to mitigate my tendency to jump straight to sarcasm (with mixed results).  Now, I make an effort to include people and I find it outrageous that so many self-proclaimed geeks/nerds that I run into don’t feel the same way or even make a passing effort to include others. 

For those guys (and girls) that struggle with a history of bullying, verbal and emotional abuse from peers, and other kinds of isolation and exclusion due to their passions, activities, and knowledge of random and archaic topics, I get it.  You know what it’s like to be torn down for not being “good enough” or “smart enough” or “cool enough” to do something.  Sure, it might be satisfying initially to tell someone that they aren’t as “good/smart/cool” as you are, but doing so ultimately continues the terrible cycle of abuse and bullying that you experienced growing up.

My parents frequently told me to “be the bigger person” as I was growing up.  I try to keep that in mind every time I am tempted to act superior to other people.   Sometimes I fail miserably, but it’s a work in progress.  I ask you all to also try to expand your group of friends and make an honest effort to include people, regardless of their geekery or level of nerdiness, and stop the cycle of harassment and abuse.  Teach people to love science fiction rather than giving them more reasons to dislike those of us that are passionate about it.