Crap Weather Friends

We all have those friends that are only around when things go well: fair weather friends.  When you’re employed, in a great relationship, have lots of free time, etc, these are the friends who are always down to get up and go out to do something. Of course, as soon as life starts getting difficult, as it is wont to do, they disappear as if by magic. This phenomena has been expounded upon by numerous academics, pundits, and facebook status updates.

However, as I am sitting here in limbo (see also: unemployment), I’ve discovered a new kind of friend: the crap weather friend.  These are friends that only talk to you or interact with you when they need something from you.

I’m not talking about people who simply ask for favors when their lives get crazy-busy.  I’m also not talking about people who are down on their luck and need a little extra help now and again.  I’m referring to people that don’t talk to you unless you have something to offer them.

Over the past few weeks, I have discovered a slew of these friends.  To be fair, they haven’t always acted this way and some of them are extremely busy right now with significant others, work, school, etc. I try to give them as much leeway as I can to account for life getting crazy, but when things become a trend that I can no longer ignore, then I have to relegate them to the crap weather friend category.

For example, one of my friends has begun to treat me with what I almost-jokingly refer to as benign neglect.  I will text message, call, or e-mail them to check in and see how things are going, but never get a response.  However, when I contact them in order to ask how some of their problems are going and whether or not they have been resolved, I get an almost instantaneous response.  Again, I am trying to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that life is getting in the way, but I still have to wonder…

Another case occurred when I tried to call a friend of mine because I was feeling really down about things.  I don’t do well when I’m unemployed and I was getting cabin fever.  When they called me back, they were very distracted because they were getting ready to meet up with other folks for dinner.  While I appreciated that they had bothered to call me back at all, I was disappointed that they could only take 5 inattentive minutes to check in with me and then didn’t call back when they had more free time (and yes, I did call them again later with the same result).

To complete my use of examples today, I’ve been helping a number of folks look for new apartments since I have much more time on my hands then they do.  I will routinely send them e-mails with apartments they are looking for in their price range, near bus lines, with in-unit washer/dryer, etc.  The typical response to this is a “thanks so much!” and then nothing else.  Even though most of these folks asked me to help them out, they don’t contact me at all with things as simple as updates on how their apartment hunt is going unless I inquire first.  I’ve waited until later in the week when I know their schedules tend to wind down a bit to see if they would be able to hang out, grab coffee, whatever, but rarely do these people respond at all.

As a temporary solution, I have been trying to reach out to other friends so that I do not feel the absence of these friends quite as sharply.  Perhaps this is simply another phase of life where another group of us drift apart and go our separate ways.  If so, I better get on top of things and start filling up my calendar!

If you wonder whether or not you might be a crap weather friend to someone, I've devised a list of attributes to check for:

1. Are there certain friends of yours who only become involved in your life when it sucks/gets busy/something big happens?

2. Is there a particular friend that you contact only when life sucks?

3. Are there people that you spend time with when life's got you down, but you don't spend time with when life is going well? 

If you answered "yes" to these questions, maybe it's time to take a good look at your life and decide whether or not that's the kind of person you want to be.