On Nice Guys

I hear my friends, both men and women, complain often about how “nice guys” always get shafted.  While I could get into nitpicky semantics about what qualifies as a nice guy, I will resist for now.  

I have a friend who constantly bemoans the fact that he is always passed over for other guys.  He believes that this is because girls are shallow and don’t want to admit that they want a nice guy who also looks like a movie star. 

Now this friend is not unfortunate looking.  In fact, objectively, I can appreciate how some people would find him rather attractive.  No, this is not a case of me body checking him into the friend zone because I’m afraid of ruining the friendship or anything like that.  I simply am not physically attracted to him. 

Additionally, this friend has a bit of a white knight complex.  Every time one of his friends is in the slightest bit of distress, he wants to ride in to the rescue.  While some girls might be attracted to this, I am not.  I would appreciate having a partner who is willing to bail me out every once in awhile, but I don’t want to be with someone who will take over a situation instead of letting me fight my own battles. 

I think that our friendship works just fine, but I’m not interested in moving into the realm of the romantic.  Yes, part of it is the lack of physical attraction (I’d be the last to deny that I can be painfully superficial), but a larger part of it is that things that I tolerate as a friend would drive me absolutely nuts if I were to date him. 

I’ve turned him down on multiple occasions and have explained what most of my reservations are.  At one point he even pushed me on whether I was turning him down just because he doesn’t look like a supermodel and then refused to believe that there was more to it than that.

So what is it?  I don’t understand what it is that he thinks will change if he keeps pushing.  He laments that I have nice-guy friend-zoned him, but that isn’t the case at all.  Also, why do these so-called "nice guys" think that women even need to justify not going out with them?  Just because someone is a nice guy doesn’t mean that they should feel entitled to having people figure out that they are a diamond in the rough every time the "nice guy" finds them attractive.  That would be like me pining after some hot athlete and expecting them to realize one day that I’m the sexy librarian they’ve always dreamed of.

Should nice guys feel that since they have been so loyal to their female friends that said friends should give them a chance, purely on principle?  Is it like an airplane mileage plan wherein after so many breakup breakfasts and why-am-I-so-alone cocktails with their friend, they earn enough points that they can cash it in for a date? 

I think that a lot of what guys don’t realize is that just being a nice guy isn’t enough.  One of my good friends really captured what I mean: "I'm dating a nice guy, but he's more than just a nice guy.  'Nice guy' is just the base model." 

I guess that to me it boils down to a few things: primarily, what do you have to offer other than being a nice guy?  If you are pursuing someone, consider what it is that they need in a relationship.  I don’t need a white knight.  I need a partner who will tell me when I’m being stupid, wait for me to fall on my face when I inevitably don’t listen to him, and then help pick me up without saying “I told you so” right away.  That trait doesn’t exactly come part and parcel with being a nice guy.

What if a girl wants a guy who can provide financial stability in case they want to be a stay-at-home mom one day?  If you are a nice guy, but don’t have a job, then being nice just won’t cut it.  If a girl wants someone with ambition, the nice guy needs to do more than say, “one day I want to be the CEO of a big company.”  Regardless of their goals, nice guys need to demonstrate that their ambition is more than just a pipe dream.

I mean, really, people.  Not every nice guy deserves to catch every great girl.  Not every girl looking for guys that care about her for her mind instead of her looks are going to get the leading man in a romcom.  BUT!  If my own experience with watching my friends begin new chapters into their happily ever afters is any indicator, those nice guys do end up with great women and those women looking for nice guys find them. 

Rarely have my friends told me that their spouse is the person that they thought they would end up with.  In fact, my best friend turned her now husband down three times before they started dating.  After years of saying that she wanted to marry someone who could also be her best friend, she couldn’t see what was right in front of her until he asked her three times! 

So, nice guys, please stick with it.  Work on making yourself into someone who will be able to provide what your future soul mate will need from you.  Ladies, keep an open mind.  Just because someone isn’t Mr. Hardbody doesn’t mean that they don’t have the capacity to become the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with.